The Doc Hunter
by Flaming Trails
Summary: The hunt for Doc is on! The unofficial sequel to Catfight. Now slight crossover.
1. The Doc Hunters

The Doc Hunter

By Flaming Trails

A Back To The Future Parody

Disclaimer: I don't own BTTF. Any real products used in this fic are also not my property. But trust me, I would _love_ to go on this trip.

Dedication: To everyone who loved and consented to be in "Catfight", and all the Doc Lovers.

  


(We focus in on a suburban lawn, with thick bushes. Something rustles within. A moment later a girl's head, brown-haired and blue-eyed and wearing a safari hat, pokes out. She sees the camera and smiles.)

HOST: Hello! I'm Josephine Caroline Jones, better known as Josie or J.C. You may know me as the famous adventurer who single-handedly conquered a rampaging T-1000 with no weapons. (Strikes a valiant pose) Now, I'm hunting even bigger and cuter game. I'm hunting the hardest to capture animal in the world. (Pulls out a picture, which we cannot yet see.) The rare _Doculus Brownis._

(J. C. shows us the picture. It is a picture of Doc and Marty, posing in front of the DeLorean. Einstein is with them, waving his paw.)

J. C.: (proudly) It took me many years to even get this far. Now I'm finally on his trail. I want to be the first female adventurer to have taken down a _Doculus Brownis._ But, I know I cannot do it alone. Please meet my assistant in this endeavor, Gina Sarah Lloyd.

(Gina steps out of the brush. She's a short thing, with dark hair and eyes. She smiles at the camera, waves, then turns to J. C. eagerly.)

GINA: (over-excited) Come on, J. C.! I've been waiting for this moment all my life! The chance to actually capture Doc! Remember, you promised to share him.

J. C.: Yes, yes, of course Gina. Your house Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My house Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. We take him to a public place on Sundays. (To audience) Don't worry, he'll be perfectly safe. We're going to take very good care of him while he's in our custody.

(Both girls sigh. Cut to a dream-scape in which both girls are frolicking among many Docs, all in different states of dress. And undress. Then back to reality.)

J. C.: So, let's be on our way. The first thing to do is to look for--

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Hey! What are you two girls doing in my yard?! Get out of here!

J. C.: (sternly) Sir, we are conducting a hunt for a very rare animal, and -- put the broom down! We're going, we're going! Sheez! Can't even film a wildlife documentary here.

(Cut to the street a few blocks down from the off-camera man's house. Gina is armed with binoculars, scouring the skies, while J. C. narrates.)

J. C.: This is the natural territory of the _Doculus Brownis_. However, this area is filled with other species too, so we'll have to be careful. Especially if we meet up with the dreaded _Biffican Tannenus_, which can be distinguished by it's call. I have it on audiotape here.

(She pulls out a mini tape recorder and plays back the tape inside.)

TAPE: Butt-head! Butt-head!

J. C.: (turning off the tape) As you can probably tell, it's a very aggressive species. The only animal it will accept into its territory is the family _McFlyis_. Coincidentally, that's exactly the species we're looking for. _Doculus Brownis_ is know to bond with _McFlyis_ young. (looking at her faithful assistant) How goes the search, Gina?

GINA: He doesn't seem to be here, J. C. Where are we anyway?

J. C.: (surprised) I thought you had the map of Hill Valley.

GINA: I thought _you _did! You were supposed to carry it!

J. C.: (indignant) It was _not! I_ carried all the important equipment! The food, the water, the traps, the supplies! You were in charge of the map! No wonder we ended up in some guy's backyard!

GINA: (Rex Banner impression) You're getting me angry. I don't think you're gonna like me when I'm angry.

J. C.: (quickly backing down) Okay, Gina, calm down. There's an easy way to fix this. (pulls out a cellphone and dials.) Bonjour? Marty français est-il là-bas? Salut, ce m'est, Josephine. Nous avons besoin de quelque aide. . . . *Translation: Hello? Is French Marty there? Hi, it's me, Josephine. We need some help. . . .*

(A hop, skip, and a jump later, J. C. and Gina are looking over a simple map provided by French Marty. J. C. traces her finger along an imaginary path.)

J. C.: (authoritatively) Okay, this is the route we must take to get to the Clock Tower, a frequented spot by the _Doculus Brownis_ and his close companion the _McFlyis Martin._ Any questions?

GINA: Aren't you holding the map upside-down?

(J. C. pauses, then flips the map over. She examines it again.)

J. C.: What say we just use Plan B? (sticks out her thumb) Taxi!

(Cut to the Town Square, bustling with life. J. C. is over-excited, yanking out her field guide and trying to identify all the people as different species. Gina continues searching for Doc with her binoculars. Naturally, this is starting to draw attention from the vaguely unsettled residents of Hill Valley.)

J. C.: (flipping through her guide) By crikey, I think that one over there is a _Extraen Nonameus!_ Gina, I can't believe--

(Gina suddenly freaks, leaping up and down.)

GINA: IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM, IT'S REALLY HIM!

J. C.: (looking around wildly) Where, where?!

(She grabs Gina's binoculars and looks around again, pulling Gina's head with her. She finally spots the DeLorean parked near the hardware store. She gasps in delight.)

J. C.: He's gone to hunt! What a rare opportunity! Come on, Gina!

(She dashes across the square, dragging Gina by the binoculars. Gina doesn't seem to mind at all, too busy drooling over the idea of being near her idol.)

(Cut to inside the hardware store. Pan over long trays of screws, nuts, bolts, and other objects. Gina is examining the products while J. C. narrates.)

J. C.: (softly) This is the natural hunting ground of the _Doculus Brownis_. If he doesn't manage to bring down something here once a week, his general health declines.

GINA: How many ways can you sort nails? Jesus, five different sorts here. . . .

J. C.: Now, let's see if we can find the common Doc -- I'm getting sick of that fake Latin name. We'll have to be stealthy though. I hear that he's jittery. Gina, have you got the camouflage? 

GINA: Huh? Oh, yeah! 

(She pulls out a pair of hats covered with screws, nails, and the like. They don them and begin skulking around, freezing at the slightest sound. A clerk walks by them and gives them an odd look.)

CLERK: Er, can I help you girls?

J. C.: Have you seen a _Doculus Brownis_ anywhere?

CLERK: (perplexed) I don't know if we carry that. . . .

(Gina spots a white head of hair. She squeaks and pulls on J. C.'s arm. J. C. turns and sees the shock of white hair too. Her eyes widen with delight.)

J. C.: (quietly) I think we've found him. Slowly now. . . .

(The girls approach the white-haired man carefully, eyes bugging out, drool running down their jaws. They paused just inches from the man's feet, crouching. J. C. looks nervously at the camera.)

J. C.: We've never seen the common Doc in a state of rage, so we have to be careful not to anger it. (pulls out a strange-looking band) This is a tracking bracelet that will allow us to follow his every move back to his nest. Then we can capture him and take him home with us.

GINA: (shivering) With me, you mean. Today's a Monday.

J. C.: Right, right. 

(She begins to attack the tracking bracelet. The man feels her touch and looks down.)

MAN: (shocked) HEY! What are you doing?!

(The girls look up. Turns out it's _not_ Doc, just some old guy with white hair. He's staring at them like they're going to beat him up or something. They smile sheepishly.)

J. C.: (moving away, apologetically) So sorry, so sorry, thought you were someone else. . . .

MAN: (scared) Security!

J. C.: (Monty Python impression) RUN AWAAAAAY!

(They bolt from the hardware store, followed closely by a few clerks. The clerks yell after them as they run.)

CLERK 1: Yeah, don't come back! Freaks!

J. C.: (protesting) Hey, I'm a famous explorer! My great-uncle was the adventurer Captain Spaulding!

CLERK 2: Who?

J. C.: You know, Captain Spaulding! The great African Explorer! Jeffery Spaulding!

CLERK 1: Who cares! Just stay out of this store!

(They go back inside. Gina pouts.)

GINA: Nice going, J. C.

J. C.: Hey, you're the one who thought he was Doc.

(Just then, the _real _Doc emerges from the store, whistling a tune and carrying a bag. The girls drool as he tosses the bag in and gets back in the DeLorean. J. C. looks at the camera with heart-pupiled eyes.)

J. C.: That was the greatest experience of my life. And we were so _close_ too! We got to see him taking his kill back to his nest. (eyes go back to normal) His nest! Gina, we've got to get to his nest! That's the perfect place to observe his natural behavior. Where's our transportation?

(The DeLorean starts to drive away. J. C. and Gina stomp their feet in frustration, then spot a few kids on scooters nearby. J. C. runs up to them and pulls out $40.)

J. C.: Hey, hey kids, stop! Stop! You guys willing to sell those scooters?

(Cut to Gina and J. C. scooting along, following the DeLorean as discreetly as possible. Once again they are subject to strange looks from most of the general populace. Gina gives them a disarming smile.)

GINA: Nature documentary.

(They follow the DeLorean up to a nice farmhouse on the outskirts of town with a big garage. Doc pulls in, still oblivious to the fact he's being followed. The girls park their scooters and sneak into the garage. Doc gets out, holding the bag. Einstein runs up to greet him.)

DOC: Hey, boy! (ruffles Einy's fur) Look what I got here. A wireless web modem for the computer, a new motor for the lawnmower, and some new tools. (pulls out a screwdriver and caresses it) Oh, I can't wait to use you.

(He happens to glance at the window. J. C. and Gina are there, staring at him with their tongues lolling out. He screams and drops his bag, recoiling violently. The girls quickly disappear. J. C. looks at the cameraman nervously.)

J. C.: I think we scared him. Damn, that's exactly what I didn't want to do. But still, what a great photo-op! We got to see him interact with a _Canis familiaris_, and now we know how to lure him into one of our traps. What did you think, Gina? (no reply) Gina?

(She looks over at her trusty assistant. Gina is still rolling up her tongue.)

J. C.: (stunned) Gina, how much tongue do you _have_? (to cameraman) You know, that sounded vaguely naughty.

GINA: (muffled) Thut up.

(Suddenly the sounds of two boys fighting waft over to them. The pair look to see a dark haired young man yelling at a younger blond.)

DARK: Dammit Verne, your brains must be made of pure cytoplasm! How many times do I have to tell you I don't want you hanging around me!

VERNE: You never want to do anything with me, Jules! I hate you!

JULES: Well, I -- (suddenly notices cameraman) Who in the name of Benjamin Franklin are you?

J. C.: (off-camera) We're making a nature documentary. Could you direct us to the location of the _Doculus Brownis_?

VERNE: (confused) The whatsis?

JULES: I don't think I've ever heard of a _Doculus Brownis_.

J. C.: Then how about the local _McFlyis Martin_?

JULES: (puzzled) You mean Marty McFly? He should be coming over to see Dad later.

GINA: Dad? Wait a minute. . . . J. C., I think these are Doc's kids!

J. C.: Offspring? Well, what an opportunity! How do the genes get passed on? (grins at Jules and Verne) Keep your schedules open, we'll be looking for you later.

VERNE: (backing up) Uh, sure. No problem, Miss. 

GINA: Soooo -- what's our first plan, J. C.?

J. C.: (thoughtfully) Well, I was thinking that we should --

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Boys! Where are you going?

(Camera pans to show a early middle-aged woman with long brown hair and dishwashing gloves standing in the doorway. Gina's and J. C.'s faces darken.)

J. C.: (soft growl) The Dark One.

VERNE: Huh?

J. C.: (quick save) Your mother?

JULES: (teenage groan) Yeah. (To Clara *who else?*) I'm off to Science Club! I don't know where Verne's going.

VERNE: (nasty look to his brother) I think I'll go to the Town Square. Start my _own_ club.

J. C.: Don't forget, I'll be looking for you both later! 

(Her over-cheerfulness encourages Jules and Verne to exit the scene quickly. Clara looks at J. C., obviously confused at to what these girls are doing in her yard.)

CLARA: Can I help you?

GINA: (softly) Yeah, go throw yourself off Eastwood Ra–

J. C.: (quickly silencing Gina) We're doing a nature documentary. A rare species lives on your property, and we're filming it.

CLARA: (puzzled) Is that legal?

J. C.: (charming smile) Oh, yes, as long as we don't destroy your property or harass you. We'll be careful, promise.

CLARA: (still looking a touch uncertain) Well. . .all right, but don't do anything drastic until I talk it over with Emmett.

J. C.: (heart-pupilled eyes again) Oh, no, I promise we won't do anything to upset Doc.

GINA: (heart-pupilled eyes) Cross our hearts and hope to become Tannens.

(They sigh deeply. Clara regards them suspiciously and goes back inside the house. Gina snarls at her back, then turns to J. C. excitedly.)

GINA: How are we gonna catch Doc?? Being this close to him without having him is TORTURE!

J. C.: I can relate. Well, my first idea is--

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Hey, can I take a break? My arms are getting tired.

J.C.: (impatiently) Oh, all right. But make it fast.

(Brief cut to black)


	2. Two Failed Traps

(Brief cut to black)

J.C.: All better? Good. While our cameraman was taking a break, Gina and I were planning out our various traps.

(Turn to Gina, who is playing with a Doc Kubrick *Lego-type toy* and a doll she's made of herself.)

GINA: (as Doc) I love you so much, Gina. I worship the ground you walk on.

(J. C. coughs. Gina looks up and sees the camera is back on. She meeps and quickly hides her toys.)

J. C.: As I was saying, we were planning our traps for the _Doculus Brownis._ Our first trap is simply a matter of stealth and surprise. We procure a hiding place on the grounds and wait for him to approach. Where do we hide, Gina?

GINA: Hmmm -- how about the DeLorean? I've always wanted to see it up close. And he uses the garage as his lab, right?

J. C.: (grinning) Yeah, he does. Brilliant, Gina. But we'll need to be careful. Anything we do could have serious repercussions on future events. Do you understand?

GINA: Yeah. Sure. (pause) We're quoting the movie again.

J. C.: Who cares; it's a quotable movie. Come on, let's go before Clara comes out and starts making inquiries.

GINA: (snarl) Can't we do something to _her_ as long as we're on the hunt? She isn't even supposed to be _alive_! Let me push her off Eastwood Ravine, PLLLLEEEEAAASSEE?

J. C.: Gina, your homicidal urges frighten me. We have better things to worry about right now. To the DeLorean!

(The camera follows them as they go back to the garage and sneak in. Brief burst of static, then J. C.'s face appears, abnormally large.)

J. C.: Hi there! We've switched to PenCam to better record what's going down here. After all, I doubt the cameraman would be able to hide as efficiently as us. It's a tight fit in that DeLorean.

(Pan over to Gina, who is wedged in an uncompromising way in the back.)

GINA: OUCH! Help, J. C.! Heeeellllpppp!

J. C.: Christ, Gina, how did you do that? (walks over and starts pulling) UGH! You really got yourself stuck in there! (pulls harder) Try pushing out with your -- EEEP!

(We can now see that Gina looks like an over-stretched piece of taffy. J. C. accidentally lets go, and she sproings back, hard. Gina begins to cry.)

GINA: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

J. C.: (waving frantically) Shh, shh! Gina! Gina, don't cry! I'm sorry, Gina, I didn't mean to hurt you! Please, be quiet! (pulls out Doc Kubrick) See Doc, Gina?

(Gina immediately goes quiet. J. C. pats her head and gives her the Kubrick. Gina smiles, all happy again.)

J. C.: (breathing a sigh of relief) Whew! That was a close one. Now, Gina, try pushing back with your feet while I pull on you.

(Gina nods, and braces herself. J.C. pulls, Gina pushes, and she pops out. They land on top of each other, Gina growing large in our view. Suddenly, the feed cuts out.)

GINA: Uh-oh. I think I broke it.

J. C.: (groan) Let me see it. . . .

(Burst of static, then J. C.'s and Gina's faces come back into view. J. C. looks at Gina.)

J. C.: You just disrupted the video input. No harm done. Now let's get into that DeLorean before someone comes down here. It would be just perfect if we got caught by Clara now.

(Gina growls and nods. They carefully squeeze themselves into the car. The camera shows the DeLorean upholstery for a moment, then slowly pans to J. C.'s face. She looks very squished.)

J. C.: (muffled) I hope Doc comes out soon. I don't know how long we can stay in here.

(Several hours pass. J. C. occasionally squirms to look at her watch. Gina is whimpering, looking unhappily at the door. Eventually she turns back to J. C.)

GINA: J. C.?

J. C.: Hmmm?

GINA: I'm going crazy.

J. C.: Oh. Okay. I thought it was only me.

(Back to total silence for ten seconds. Then Gina shrieks like a banshee.)

GINA: AND I DROPPED MY DOC! I WANT MY DOC! I WANT MY DOC! GIVE ME MY DOC!!!

J. C.: (sighing) The things I do to get the boys I like. . . . 

(Suddenly, there is noise outside the garage! The girls tense, listening carefully to every little sound.)

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: So, where are we going to eat, Doc?

DOC: _When_, Marty, are we going to eat. I thought I'd treat you and Jennifer to a dinner at Dubon Henri's.

MARTY: But that closed two -- oh! Hey, way cool, Doc! Jennifer's always wanted to go there.

J. C.: (starting to spazz) OOOOOH! It's a _McFlyis Martin_!! They're interacting! The _Doculus Brownis_ is showing the _McFlyis Martin_ where the food is! If only I wasn't stuck in this car! (shakes wildly back and forth)

GINA: (turning green) J. C., stop! I'm gonna puke!

MARTY: Hey, Doc, you hear something in there?

(The girls quickly go silent.)

DOC: (uncertainly) Clara _did_ mention some film-makers in our backyard. . . . Maybe they're behind the garage or something.

MARTY: You're just going to let them film stuff on your property?

DOC: As long as they don't damage my inventions, I don't care. At least they have a reason for being on my property. (sound of footsteps approaching door) But I'd best lock the garage. We'll be using the train tonight, and I'm staying home tomorrow.

(There is a loud click as Doc locks the door. Gina and J. C. look at each other. Tears well up in both their eyes.)

BOTH: Wait -- wait -- (hear Doc and Marty leave) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

(This continues for three hours. Finally the girls lose their breath and sadly wiggle their way out of the car.)

J. C.: (trying to sound "dramatic") Apparently our prey is more cunning than I thought. We will have to use intricate traps to capture him so he can be ours.

GINA: But what are we going to do in the meantime?

J. C: (looking around) Hey! They have Scrabble®!

GINA: Wait, I want to find my Doc!

J. C.: You know, Gina, since I bought it, that is technically _my_ Doc.

GINA: My Doc!

J. C.: My Doc!

GINA: MY Doc!

J. C.: MY DOC!

GINA: MY DOC!

J. C.: MY DOC!

GINA: MY DOC!

J. C.: MY DOC!

(This continues on _well _into the night.)

J. C.: (gasp) MY DOC!!!

GINA: (gasp, pant, wheeze) MY. . .DOC!!!

J. C.: (looking light-headed)MY. . .DO -- DO --

(She faints, and the video feed cuts out again. A moment later there is the thud of Gina fainting. To save you time, let's skip right to when J. C. wakes up and gets the camera going again, why don't we?)

J. C.: (looking very disheveled) Well, as you can tell, this plan really backfired on us. At least we can take advantage of the situation to examine the territory of the _Doculus Brownis._

GINA: (also disheveled) Do you still want to play Scrabble®?

J. C.: You set it up while I look around. (PenCam pans around the messy garage as she speaks) Hmm, the _Brownis_ family seems to have a predilection for shiny objects. There are various means of transport from the nest, things to keep the offspring entertained, and many tools for the patriarch of the family to use. No doubt to keep the nest in good working order.

(The camera shows some old bicycles, the DeLorean, various old and new toys *GameBoys, PDAs, model kits*, and Doc's various toolboxes. It finally comes to rest on Gina, who has set up the Scrabble® board.)

GINA: All ready to go, J. C. 

(J. C. sits down, still looking around the place. They begin to play.)

GINA: When do you think we'll get out of here, J. C.? I want to go after Doc, not look at his stuff.

J. C.: (smiling) Examining his environment might help us catch him, Gina. But I don't know when we'll be set free. 

(A rock suddenly comes sailing through the open window. J. C. turns, gets up, and runs to the window.)

J. C.: Hey! Hey, you punk! Come back he--

(She abruptly realizes the window is open. Embarrassed beyond belief, she dumps her head on her hands.)

J. C.: (whispering) Josie, you are pathetic.

(Cut to them outside, back from the normal camera's view. Gina is talking, mostly because Josie refuses to look up.)

GINA: So, we're out, and we're still looking for ways to catch Doc. I suggested kidnaping Clara, but Josie vetoed that idea. Said she'd be too afraid to leave me alone with her. (looks over at her mortified partner) Come on, J. C., you can't hide forever. You need to tell me your new plan.

J. C.: (finally looking up) Well, I was thinking of exploiting his need for technical objects. (pulls out modem she swiped) We'll use this to lure him into a trap. What sort of trap I leave up to you, Gina.

GINA: (thinks) I know! We'll leave it under a tree or something, and when he comes to retrieve it, we'll drop a net on him! Then we can throw Clara in Eastwood Ravine and--

J. C.: (firmly) Gina, what have I told you about murdering Clara?

GINA: (pouts) I still want to do it.

J. C.: Let's focus on getting Doc first. (pulls off her knapsack) That tree looks good.

(They set up the net in the tree and leave the modem in the yard underneath. They climb the tree and switch to PenCam. J. C. and Gina each hold the end of a rope.)

J. C.: (quietly) Okay, these ropes are looped around pulleys, and attached to the net. When Doc comes to grab his modem, we drop the net, and he's caught. (pause) Hopefully.

(They concentrate on the ground below them intently. So intently that they don't notice the shadowy shape that appears nearby, or the glint of the sun off of glasses. The shadowy shape pulls out what appears to be a penlight of some sort. She aims it at one of the ropes and presses a button. A thin beam of red light comes out, burning into the rope. When the rope is almost snapped in two, she turns it off and runs away.

A few minutes later, Doc shows up. He's humming to himself, looking quite contented. Suddenly, he spots the modem under the tree.)

DOC: (frowning) What the -- how did _that_ get there?

(He goes over to retrieve it. The girls squeak excitedly.

Then, the rope abruptly breaks. The lower half of the net swings down, right in front of Doc's face. The scientist jumps back, very startled.)

DOC: What in the name of Sir Issac H. Newton?!

J. C.: (angry) DAMN CHEAP ROPE!

(Doc jerks his head up to see the girls in the tree. He gives them a strange look.)

DOC: Who are you, and what are you doing in my tree?

J. C.: (whispering to Gina) We can still jump on him. (to Doc) We're making a wildlife documentary. We were setting up a trap for the animal.

DOC: (confused) With my modem? What sort of animal is this?

GINA: (grinning) Oh, only the best animal in the world! (dreamy sigh)

DOC: (frowning at Gina) You look familiar. . . .

GINA: (falling out of the tree from excitement) REALLY??? Oh, Dockie!

(Doc's eyes suddenly go wide with fright. He turns and bolts for the house. Gina, confused, looks back up at J. C.)

GINA: What the heck was that about?

J. C.: I don't know. Do you think you can catch him?

GINA: (looking shocked) He just cleared that hedge! There's no way I could catch up to him! Besides, I'm too little to take him down on my own.

J. C.: (quietly) You wouldn't think that when you're pissed.

GINA: Huh?

J. C.: Nothing. Come on, let's follow him! We can still use the net!

(She jumps down, letting go of her rope. Of course the net promptly falls on them. J. C. glares at the cameraman from under the net.)

J. C.: (growl) Come over here and get this thing off us! Gina, I think we're going to have to plan this out just a _bit_ more throughly.

(brief cut to black)

  


Kubricks copyright whoever makes them in Japan. Scrabble copyright Hasbro. If there's a real PenCam, you may take mine. :)


	3. Saboteur!

(brief cut to black)

(Because they're only so much you can do with this concept, J. C. gives the cameraman permission to only print clips from the next traps. First is using one of Doc's own inventions against him. Gina hefts a strange-looking gun.)

GINA: (grinning) It's a freeze gun! We hit Doc with the mist, and he'll freeze in place! Then we just load him onto a scooter and take him away! Granted, he's gonna be a statue for a few hours, but that's a small price to pay for having him, finally.

J. C.: (off camera) Gina! I need you to hold this while I tighten it!

(Gina puts the freeze gun down in a "safe" spot and goes to help J. C. The shadowy presence from before comes up. We can see clearly this presence is female now. She takes a small knife and notches a tube running to the nozzle of the gun. A thin stream of gas starts to escape. She quickly high-tails it out of there.

Gina returns and picks up the gun, now trailing J. C. J. C. gives the cameraman a big grin.)

J. C.: The common _Doculus Brownis_ is very active, and enjoys many activities. One of the most familiar is communal grooming, usually performed with the _Canis Familiaris _companion.

(Pan over to Doc, throughly soaked, attempting to give Einstein a bath. The girls sneak forward.)

J. C.: (quietly) Okay, Gina, let him have it!

(Gina pulls the trigger of the gun. The stream of gas shoots out the opening, a very thin mist escaping from the main nozzle. The mist lazily drifts over Doc and Einstein. Doc hold his back, wincing.)

DOC: Ouch. My back feels a little stiff.

(Pan back over to J. C. and Gina. They are standing very stiffly, covered in a light blue substance. J. C. wrenches her mouth open.)

J. C.: (barely comprehendible) Next time, check all equipment throughly. Come along, Gina.

(Gina makes grunting noises. J. C. realizes Gina can't move and very stiffly picks her up and drags her away.

Cut to Eastwood Ravine. Gina and J. C. are standing at the edge, holding a rope. J. C. ties it around Gina's waist.)

J. C.: The _Doculus Brownis_ behavioral patterns are fascinating. It has a compulsion to protect those it loves. A known mating ritual is to save the potential mate from danger. Roll footage.

(The famous "saving Clara" clip from BTTF III plays.)

J. C.: So, we're taking advantage of that. Gina here will play the damsel in distress, and hopefully her calls will attract Doc. Then, when he attempts to rescue her, I'll take him down from behind.

GINA: (looking a little pale) J. C., are you _sure_ I'm gonna be safe?

J. C.: Of course! I'll lower you onto a ledge of some sort. And you can tie the rope to any protruding rocks or the like. You_ do_ want to get Doc, don't ya?

GINA: (nodding rapidly) Yeah. Lower me down.

(Using the net's pulley system, J. C. gently lowers Gina down. She swings herself onto a little ledge and ties the rope to a tree branch sticking out from the side.)

GINA: Okay, J. C.! I'm set!

J. C.: (hiding the rope) All righty then, start screaming! I already called his house with a message to come here, so. . . .

(She ducks behind a tree. Gina starts screaming for help at the top of her lungs. Small animals flee the area. Doc quickly appears on the scene. His eyes widen with horror as he hears the yells.)

DOC: Great Scott! (runs to edge of ravine) Miss! Miss!

(Gina gulps in some air and begins to cry.)

GINA: Oh, help me! I was trying to get to the bottom of the ravine, but the rope snapped. Please help me. . . .

DOC: Don't worry, miss, I'll help you. Can you throw me up any of the rope?

GINA: I already tried. Can you see if any is up there?

(Doc looks and spots the rope. He picks it up and gives Gina a reassuring smile.)

DOC: I have it right here in my hand. Don't worry, miss, soon you'll be safely on solid ground again. Can you walk up the ravine for me?

(Gina nods. Doc starts pulling on the rope, and Gina starts walking up the side of the ravine. J. C. oh so causally walks over to Doc and starts helping him pull. Gina is towed to the top rather quickly. Doc leans over and catches Gina's outstretched hand.)

DOC: Just a few steps farther, miss. . . .

GINA: Thank you so much! You saved my life!

(Her face pokes over the edge of the ravine, smiling at Doc. Doc screams again, pulling back. J. C. quickly tackles him, but the force of it sends _all_ of them over the edge! Luckily J. C. had the sense to anchor the rope. They all cling to the rope, looking rather desperate. Doc is trying to control his shivers.)

J. C.: (shaking head) Must remember _not_ to activate "100-mph hug" mode while tackling.

DOC: (eyes fixed on Gina) You -- you -- you're -- you're from -- that -- that fight --

GINA: (confused) Heh?

J. C.: Well, someone's bound to come along and save us. And this rope is anchored pretty tightly. Nobody worry.

(She happens to look down. Unknown to Doc or Gina, J. C. has a form of severe acrophobia -- she's afraid of heights if she's not on a solid platform. They quickly find out, as she grabs them in a crushing grip.)

J. C.: GET ME BACK ON SOLID GROUND!!!!!!!!!!

GINA: (rasp) J. C. . . . You're choking me. . . .

(A shadow falls over the trio. Doc turns frantic eyes upward.)

DOC: Help! I'm trapped down here with two insane girls!

GINA: Hey!

(A thick rope appears over the edge. Doc grabs it and is towed back to solid ground. Gina cries again as he disappears.)

GINA: I want my Doc!

J. C.: (hysterical) Help us! Get me on solid ground!

DOC: Thank you so much for helping me.

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: No problem. I'll take you home.

(Their voices fade away. The girls look at each other. Then J. C. remembers the cameraman.)

J. C.: PUT DOWN THAT DAMN CAMERA AND HELP US!!!

(Cut to Doc, in the shower. This is PenCam view. All you can really see is an indistinct shadow, but that's enough for the girls who are wielding the camera. J. C. is whispering excitedly.)

J. C.: A cleaning ritual. So fascinating.

(Doc begins to sing "How About You?" by Cole Porter.)

DOC: (a little off-key) I like New York in June; how about you? I like a Gershwin tune; how about you?

(The girls sigh. Doc turns, still singing.)

DOC: Holding hands in the movie show, when all the -- YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

(The girls jump back. Doc runs out of the shower.)

DOC: Clara! Clara, those girls are back again!

J. C.: RUUUNNN AAWWWAAAAYYY!

(The girls run. Clara bursts out of the house and runs after them, waving a broom.)

CLARA: (furious) Get away from here, you perverts! Shoo!

GINA: (glaring back) Let's fight her, J. C.! She's our enemy!

J. C.: (stopping) Yeah! And I have just the thing! (pulls out strange-looking device from her knapsack and aims it at Clara) Hang on, Gina. OMNI-TASER SUPREME!

(She activates the device. There's a flash of electricity, then Clara is seen all scorched, her hair all frizzy. She looks shell-shocked. Pan over to J. C. and Gina, who look about the same way.)

GINA: (weakly) Medic. . . .

J. C.: I shoulda asked Riff if he had fixed the settings. . . .

(All collapse.)

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Wow. I didn't even have to do anything.

(Cut to Gina and J. C. rigging up a pair of ACME Jet Propelled Pogo Sticks. They hop on and wait for Doc to pass by. He does, trying to convince Verne to walk Einstein.)

DOC: Verne Calvin Brown, you have to perform some duty toward this household!

VERNE: But I did the morning dishes, Dad! Make Jules walk Einstein!

(J. C. and Gina power up their sticks and start hopping as fast as possible toward Doc. Doc hears the boings, sees the girls, and bolts. Verne dives for cover as they speed past.)

J. C.: (Animaniac voice) Boingy boingy boingy!

GINA: Come back Doooooccc!

(They're catching up quickly, but then there's that glint of sunlight on glasses again. The mysterious girl dumps ACME Oil in front of them. They both land in the puddle and fall. Oil splatters all over their clothes. They try to get back up, but an ACME anvil falls on them, flattening them. Verne, a little curious, goes over.)

VERNE: What the hell happened to you?

J. C.: Just peel us up and take us to the bike pump, please.

(Cut to the girls behind the garage, cleaning themselves off. J. C. looks at the camera with a sigh.)

J. C.: You know, Austin, you could have helped us. You _are_ a T-1000.

(She activates PenCam, showing the evil Terminator from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. He looks miffed, which is odd.)

AUSTIN: I don't owe you any favors. You screwed up my programming. I used to be pleasantly programmed to kill the Connors. Now I'm a cameraboy.

J. C.: But you're so much _cuter_ neurotic!

AUSTIN: (to himself) I _so_ wish I could reactivate "Terminate" mode. . . . 

J. C.: (to Gina) Well, Gina, I think somebody here doesn't want us to capture Doc. We'll have to leave the territory and pull out the big guns.

GINA: Big guns? I don't want to hurt Doc! Clara, on the other hand. . . .

J. C.: Once we get Doc, I'll put Austin in "Terminate" mode, with Clara as the target.

AUSTIN: Hey!

J. C.: And I meant that we have to do something very drastic. We must deny _Doculus Brownis_ social contact with other species.

GINA: You mean. . . ?

J. C.: Yes. We have to kidnap Marty. 

(Ominous Music here.)

J. C.: Where is that coming from?

AUSTIN: KID! STOP TRYING TO HACK ME! I'M NOT A DAMN RADIO, EITHER!

JULES: I'm just fascinated by your internal structure.

AUSTIN: _She_ messed with me enough!

J. C.: Right after we straighten this out.

(brief cut to black)

  


"Omni-Taser Supreme" and Riff copyright Peter Abrahams, "Sluggy Freelance." All ACME products copyright Warner Brothers, "Looney Tunes." Austin the T-1000 copyright James Cameron, "Terminator 2: Judgement Day." (Although his neurotic form is mine. :))


	4. It Was All A

(brief cut to black)

(Cut to the McFly house. We can see Marty asleep on the bed, in his clothes and twisted into a strange position. Gina and J. C. appear, dressed in black and holding J. C.'s knapsack. J. C. holds up a finger to Austin, then sneaks up to the window. She and Gina slip a thin wire with a loop through a crack and catch the lock. With a little skillful maneuvering, they open the window. They quietly climb in and go over to Marty. J. C. pulls out a bottle and pours a little of the liquid inside onto a pad. She gently presses it to Marty's face. The teen starts a little, then relaxes again. J. C. quickly removes the pad while Gina leaves a note on Marty's dresser. Then together they drag Marty away.

Cut to the inside of a shack in the woods. Marty is there, loosely tied to a cot. J. C. looks into the camera, satisfied.)

J. C.: We left a note to the family assuring them Marty will be fine, and the only ransom we require is Doc. Due to the strong connection to Marty, Doc should come to save him, no matter what the risk to himself. Then we'll capture Doc and turn Marty loose. Of course, Marty will have visitation rights.

GINA: (looking at Marty) He's kinda cute too. Maybe we should keep both of them.

J. C.: I don't know, Gina. This one has a dangerous paternal force. The _McFlyis Georgon_ has a powerful attack.

AUSTIN: (sighing) Why do I put up with them. . . .

J. C.: Quiet, you. (sits down) Now, all we have to do, is sit back and wait.

(Marty suddenly stirs.)

MARTY: (groaning) Ugh. . .Mom?

GINA: Hey there, Marty.

MARTY: (waking up) Who are you? (looking around) Where am I?

J. C.: Welcome to our headquarters, Marty. I'm Josie Caroline Jones, and this is my assistant, Gina Sarah Lloyd. And our camera-man, Austin.

GINA: (bright smile) Hi.

AUSTIN: You have my deepest sympathy.

MARTY: (uncertainly) Hi. Why am I here?

GINA: (bouncing) You're gonna help us get our Doc. He's gonna come to rescue you, and we're going to catch him.

MARTY: Heh?

J. C.: We're on the trail of the _Doculus Brownis_. You are a major social contact, and I doubt he'd want to lose you. So it's only natural to attempt a rescue. When he does, we'll trap him.

MARTY: (still lost) I can't understand either of you.

AUSTIN: (sigh) They want to kidnap Dr. Brown, and you're the bait.

MARTY: (angry) HEY!! That's my best friend you're talking about!! I refuse to lure him into two nutties' grasp! Let me go!

J. C.: No can do. We're not going to hurt Dockie Wockie, Marty. We just want to catch him. You'll be allowed to visit him whenever you want.

GINA: (smiling) You might even be going with him. If J. C. will let me.

MARTY: _Dockie Wockie_???

AUSTIN: You should hear what J. C. calls me.

J. C.: I don't know if we should take Marty, Gina. We don't want problems with the police. 

GINA: But we're going to have problems with the police anyway for capturing Doc!

J. C.: (frowning) Hmmm, true. (looks at Austin) Hey, wait! Austin's default form is that of a policeman!

AUSTIN: Oh no you don't! I hold the camera, that's it!

J. C.: You forget you have to follow my direct orders, Austie? 

(Austin gives her that patented "Terminator glare." She just grins at him. She and Gina are obviously very sure of themselves on this one.)

J. C.: Right now, I order you to hold down fort. Watch that door and yell if anybody comes. Gina and I are going to discuss the Marty issue over firewood.

GINA: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. . . .

(They head out the door. Austin sits on the bed beside Marty, turning his finger into a knife and cutting the ropes.)

AUSTIN: I remember a time where I wouldn't care if you lived or died. If you got in the way of my mission, you had to be terminated.

MARTY: (sarcastically) Things must have been great then.

AUSTIN: Better than being J. C.'s lapdog. She reprogrammed me so I have to follow all her orders.

MARTY: Touche. Man, I hope Doc's gonna be all right. My family's probably going crazy with worry.

OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Sort of. I promised them I'd get you back. 

(Startled, Marty and Austin turn to see a young woman's face, with golden glasses and medium length brown hair. She smiles reassuringly at them.)

GIRL: Hi. I'm Lisa. I've been trying to protect Doc from those two lunatics who are trying to catch him. Now it looks like they've gotten desperate. Guess I'll have to break you out, Marty.

MARTY: (looking at Austin) Don't yell. Please don't yell.

AUSTIN: (smugly) She said yell if anybody came in the _door_. Lisa came in through the window.

(Lisa nods and climbs in.)

LISA: Now just follow me. We should get back to your house in no time, Marty.

(They all climb out the window and start walking through the forest. Suddenly who should appear but Doc, looking frantic.)

DOC: MARTY! Thank God I've found you! (hugs) When your parents found the note, they called me right away. (turning) Clara! I found Marty!

CLARA: (emerging from trees) Oh, Marty, I'm glad you're safe. Who are your friends?

MARTY: Well, this is Lisa, and this is Austin.

J. C. AND GINA: _Lisa???_

(All turn to see J. C. and Gina standing nearby, looking very pissed. Lisa glares at them, while Doc, Marty, and Clara all back away. Austin tries to slip into the trees and escape.)

J. C.: (growl) STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, AUSTIN.

(Austin freezes. J. C. walks up to Lisa, her entire body tense.)

J. C.: I thought I told you to stay out of my affairs, Fagan.

LISA: Somebody had to stop you from kidnaping Doc before me. My Doctors 5 and 8 wanted to meet him. They thought he could help them with the TARDIS's problems.

GINA: (furious) Well, you can't have him! He's MY Doc! 

(She runs and grabs Doc in a killer hug. Doc tries to pry her off, with little success.) 

DOC: Dammit, that "Catfight" show is in the past! Leave me alone! It was bad enough the girls got into a fight after the show, but this is ridiculous!

CLARA: (angry) Leave my husband alone!

J. C.: Don't you tell me what to do! I don't even accept you as canon! He's MY Doc!

LISA: I need him! He's MY Doc!

CLARA: I married him! To put it in your crude terms, he's MY Doc!

MARTY: (jokingly) I'm his best friend. Maybe he's MY Doc.

GIRLS: (looking at Marty) Ewwwwwwwwww.

DOC: (getting nervous) Now, now, ladies, I've been through this before, I don't need to go through this again. . . .

GINA: (Bruce Banner impression) You're making me angry. I don't think you're gonna like me when I'm angry.

J. C.: Do you know what I can_ do_ when I'm upset? And don't forget, who's got a terminator on their side?

AUSTIN: I was hoping you would leave me out of this.

LISA: I have powerful friends too, but I'm not afraid to do this mano a mano. Are you, Mary Sue?

GINA: (steaming) You're getting close to the danger point. . . .

CLARA: (eyes narrowed) Listen, do I have to put you back in your places? (rolls up sleeves) This is my husband we're talking about.

J. C.: Go ahead. Make my day.

GINA: (looking a little green) Danger point!

(She transforms into an Incredible Hulkette. Clara looks a little unnerved, but J. C. doesn't seem too perturbed. Neither does Lisa, surprisingly.)

J. C.: That temper's nothing. (eyes begin to glow) Try taking on me when I'm mad!

(She begins to levitate, looking positively demonic. Suddenly envelopes start flying everywhere. Austin catches one and reads it.)

AUSTIN: "You are APPROVED! For this FREE Credit Card!" Where did this come from?

J. C.: Gywnn warned me about that. She let me have the Book of E-ville to become a witch and gain revenge on my enemies. Sending out junk mail is part of my curse. (thinks) Hey, maybe I could use it to my advantage.

(She starts making an envelope tornado. Gina Hulk lumbers over to Clara, lifting her hands over her head.)

GINA: Hulk smash Clara!

(Clara rolls out of the way. The slam of Gina's fists rocks the whole forest. Marty, Doc and Austin cling to each other in fear. Wings, golden and feathery, but slowly turning red, tear their way out of the back Lisa's shirt. She glares at J. C., completely ignoring Gina and Clara.)

LISA: He's mine, and I'm taking him back to Alnilam! Trust me, I could raise a whole army if I needed to.

(She emits a few strange calls, and birds descend on J. C. She promptly disperses her envelope tornado at them. Clara, now inexplicably dressed in ninja gear, is still doing battle with Gina. Gina lumbers around, smashing random things. One of those is J. C.'s envelopes. She sends a bolt of energy toward her. Soon everyone is entangled in a vicious fight.)

CLARA: (doing an amazing series of kicks) My feet hurt. . . .

J. C.: (exploding a nearby tree) Then I guess you won't be able to dodge that!

GINA: Hulk smash bird!

LISA: (flitting around her head) Better than being called an angel, I guess. (has the birds attack Gina)

GINA: Hulk annoyed!

MARTY: Boy, I'm glad I don't have fan girls like you!

DOC: (in a desperate attempt to calm them down) GIRLS! Am I really worth fighting over?! 

(The girls pause and all look at each other. Doc looks relieved, until--)

GIRLS: MY DOC!!!

(They all lunge at him! Marty and Austin bolt, leaving Doc standing there, screaming loudly. Close-up on the inside of his mouth, then change to a darkened room at night. Doc sits up, breathing hard and sweating. He looks around wildly, the covers slipping off his body. He gathers them back up and begins to laugh, a touch hysterically.)

DOC: (relieved) It was all a dream. . . . Just a horrible nightmare. (wipes the sweat off his forehead) I really have to stop reading "Catfight" right before going to bed.

(He collapses back onto the bed, sighing happily. He turns to the vague shape next to him.)

DOC: You would _not_ believe the dream I just had. . . .

(The light is switched on, revealing Clara, Gina, Lisa, and J. C. all in bed with him. They all smile lovingly at him.)

GIRLS: Oh, wouldn't we?

(Doc stares at them a moment, then very slowly turns to the camera, dead white. He weakly mouths "help me" as the girls swarm him. Pan up, through the window, eventually showing the whole house. Rod Sterling's voice comes on.)

ROD: So -- which is the reality, and which is the dream? Sometimes it's hard to say. Is reality what is happening right now, or is it a dream? We leave Dr. Brown with that question, as he is the only one qualified to answer it. Dr. Brown, a man trapped in his own personal nightmare -- and in the Twilight Zone.

(Spooky Music plays.)

The --

(Doc walks in. His bedclothes are torn and ragged, and he looks pretty tired. He holds out his hand.)

DOC: A public service announcement. Please donate paper or metals of monetary value to the "Lock Up These Lunatics" fund. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to make the move into slash fiction.

GIRLS: (off-screen, hysterical shriek) WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE!

MARTY: (off-screen) DO--OOC! Yuck.

The End

  


Gwynn, the Book of E-ville, and the line "My feet hurt" copyright Peter Abrahams, "Sluggy Freelance." Austin the T-1000 copyright James Cameron. Rod Sterling and The Twilight Zone copyright to whoever currently owns the show. Hulk copyright Marvel Comics. "Catfight" copyright me. :)


End file.
